Small penises have feelings too.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.