i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
