All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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