but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
