do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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