Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
