ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
