Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
