He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
