Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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