Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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