wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
