I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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