I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
