I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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