My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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