My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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