Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
