Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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