when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
