Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
