can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
