I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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