Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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