Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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