After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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