my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
