So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I smell stomach acid.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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