I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
