I wanna bring you to show and tell
high people should be assigned attendants
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
