I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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