I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
