My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
