4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
