I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
