If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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