I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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