there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
