I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
