I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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