two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
