Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
