I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
