he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
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He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
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Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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