I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
