I don't usually arrange sex via text message
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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