Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
