I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
