Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My vagina just recognized that song.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
