Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
