i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
