Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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