I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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