Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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