I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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