my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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