shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
