I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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